My All!

He once made me complete. As a friend, a boyfriend and a lover. He played his role and played it well. From the time we met we were inseparable. From the first talk on the phone he captured my heart and never let it go. I never experienced a love like that before. At the time I was seeing someone so he played the role of a friend listening to my problems, staying on the phone for hours at a time no matter how early in the morning it was, to giving me advice, to being there when I was sad and going to my pains of not having my dad around. I loved this dude with my entire heart. it took the pieces that were drifting away because I the loss of my dad and brought them back together again. He had the power to make me smile, laugh, let go of everything, open up, try new things, and even had the power to make me cry; but he always made it all better at the end. I'll never find another that can do the things he's done for me. Then again I don't allow anyone to really try. "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recodnition." I discovered me in John and that's where I was supposed to find it and leave it. he had the heart that matched mine. The one God put out there for me to search for.

I'm stuck in the house thinking of the past and dreaming of how I wanted the future yet wishing it was still able to come true. A big part of me wants to have my dreams come true in the house of God but I'm stuck on Earth for the time being without my other half present to help me through. It's his birthday and instead of celebrating with him for his big 21 I'm crying my eyes out over him being stolen from the Earth I'm struggling on.

Life and Love

Life and Love are two things that don't come very easy to me. I sometimes sit back and wonder where I went wrong in each thing. Funny thing is not even a dictionary could define what each should actually be. The definitions that stood out to me for life were "the period from the present until death" and the course of existence of an individual". Hmmmmm I exist because I'm still breathing and I'm not in the state of death but I don't feel I'm actually living. I'm just existing not actually living. And the definitions of love that stood out to me were "any object of warm affection or devotion" and "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection". Well I've been in love before and it was great. It just didn't last very long. In my heart it seemed like a lifetime of warmth that was always there when in reality it wasn't. Now it's gone. I've learned the hard way to never take life or love for granted because when you least expect it, it could be wiped away like chalk on a chalkboard. With a blink of an eye you could go from being at the top of the world feeling loved and fall straight to the bottom with nobody to catch you and feeling all alone. Love hard and never regret it. Tell the one you love how u feel as much as possible cause when they're no longer here you'll wonder if they actually knew how you felt.

I Hate It!

I hate when guys feel that it's ok for them to question you but you can't question them. I also hate the fact of with all the questions still there's no relationship. So what's all the questions for? Hmmmmmm I hate it how no matter how hard I try guys never see the effort I put in they just see what they wanna see. Why must I do as he wants when he wants me to do it? I guess I'm better off by myself but at the same time I am by myself he just sticks around to be the dude above me. I hate that he chooses to watch my every move and the moves of those around me. I hate when he gets into his over possessive/stalkerish moods. Maybe one day I'll get the guts to let him go comletely, block him out my life in everyway.

Dear Heartache...

Dear Heartache:

You are like the only one that stays by my side even though I don't want you to be. I wish you'd just leave me alone and let me be. Why can't you step aside so I can feel love? I guess it'll never happen though. You've taken over any space love could have been. It's like I'm married to you heartache. I simply want to be seperated, a divorce would be better but might be asking for too much. Now I'm gonna be that b**ch that uses n***as the way they use me and break their hearts the way they break mine. It is what it is. People can't always have their way and you've proved that to me. Maybe that's why when n***as come along you come right along with them.

~*BABIIGURL*~

Why?

Why is it that every guy I come in contact with hurts me in some way? I won't put them on blast by saying their name but I'm sure they know who they are. I've had it all from dudes cheating and not saying anything til the girl is pregnant, to cheating with several chicks and not saying anything until the chick says something to me, and the ones that never let go the old but try to get the new too...smh I wish one day they could be real and stop having two sides to them. The secrets are eating me alive and the heartache is finishing me off.